[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
You Might Also Like
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that