If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
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You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
no!! no!!!!!!
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)