Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
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Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
new shirt idea
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch