If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
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I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.