WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
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Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out