Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
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The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”