I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
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I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Wait for it
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.