The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
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The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Good advice.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil