Why is everyone getting married at me
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PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible