[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
You Might Also Like
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.