“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
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the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Tuesday
the only organized thing in my life is crime
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*