My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
You Might Also Like
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it