If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
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I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Bike is short for Bichael.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor