You Might Also Like
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons