WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
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Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Van Gone
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.