My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
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The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Tough love is true love
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
reminder
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”