Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
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Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
never forget
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter