My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
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don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.