Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
You Might Also Like
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
This kid is a star!
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat