At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
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A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Meanwhile in Canada…
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more