The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
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They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.