NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
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[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough