Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
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The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.