me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
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Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.