[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
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Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
PLEASE READ
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her: