*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
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[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Seek kebab; not attention
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY