my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
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Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
I am patiently waiting for your email
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
*lint rolls you awake*
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.