Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
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The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.