I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
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Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
next question.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
it’s finally my moment to shine
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”