My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
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Put this video in the Louvre
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me