A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
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shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
it’s the silliest best thing
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
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*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!