To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
You Might Also Like
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich