There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
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Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.