(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
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I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.