(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
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5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….