a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
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[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.