Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
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“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
😂😂😂
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.