Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
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Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.