Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
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ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.