HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
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Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP