whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
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Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.