fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
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my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)