cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
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I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
If only
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?