The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
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I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”