If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
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I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Danger is very dangerous
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Yup
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.