[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
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Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.