Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
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Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
The prophecy is fulfilled
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.