Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
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I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4