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He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!