[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
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HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
turtles are just lizards who work in construction